His merciful curse

It has been almost a year since God gave me my first vision.

It was a typical weekday night, I was getting ready for bed, and I asked Holy Spirit to speak to me. I fell asleep shortly after, but only for him to wake me up at 2 am.

Yes, that is right, my wording here was intentional. He woke me up- i’m not just saying that to be cute. Me and God have this thing where he wakes me up in the middle of the night to talk to me. He does this because I ask him too. It is a precious idea to me.. to be one of the few people awake (in my general area) and to be talking with God whilst everyone else is asleep.

Anywho, Holy Spirit woke me up. As I sat up in my bed, an image of a vast field took over my sight. The field extended much farther than my eyes could make out. Nothing about the field itself was particularly enticing. It was green and there was a blue sky. That is what I recall. Although the field was vast and beautiful and healthy, it was all rather boring- familiar. But as my eyes glanced down to the ground in front of me, I saw a large golden box.

Upon seeing this box, I somehow knew that there were other boxes like this one in front of me. I knew that other people were able to pick them up and attain them for themselves. With this knowledge, I promptly walked over to my box to pick it up. As I went to grab it however, it would not budge. It was heavy. No- it was stuck. It was fused to the ground.

After struggling to lift the box off the ground, I became frustrated. This was MY box. Yet it was securely fastened to the ground. Not sure what was going on, what I was doing wrong or why this was “happening to me”.. the Lord gently reminded me of the verse that I was meditating on all week:

“…Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.” Luke 9:58

I was brought out of the vision and I quickly grabbed my journal and wrote down what God was saying to me:

You can try with all your strength to attain these earthly possessions. You can even try to get others to help you pick them up and take these riches for yourself. But you will not be able to attain them, you will only be left frustrated and empty…

There is no place for you here, child.
You won’t find happiness no matter how far or how high you search.

The food here will not nourish you.
The relationships here will not satisfy you.

Neither true love nor amity will bring you solace.
The company of your friends and family will only reveal your true sorrow and loneliness.
You will forever feel homesick and this land will remain foreign to you.

For these things were not made for you,
and I have cursed you from being able to attain them.

You will forever walk this earth in search of comfort and belonging.
But you will never find it. Not here. Not now.

However, with this curse, you have the blessing and ability to know me like none other before you.

Do not seek direction from the outside. I will speak to you from within. Trust my gentle voice, even if it calls you to walk into an expanse of great darkness.

The things in sight are not attainable. The things hidden, to which no human or spirit can direct you towards, are yours.

To unpack everything that he said to me would take longer than what your attention would allow for. Most is self explanatory I feel. I do however, have some points to which I would like to highlight.

I have always felt homesick. Longing for an unknown destination has been a brand of depression that I have never been able to shake. If I am with my mom, I long to see my dad. If I am with my dad, I want to visit my mom. Friends, school, work.. it is all the same. I am never content with where I am. I always feel as though something is missing.. or perhaps, I myself am missing. To have God plainly tell me “son of man has nowhere to rest his head” and “you will forever feel homesick and this land will remain foreign to you” confirmed this longing. My place is in him. I will never find the satisfaction or belonging that I am looking for here on earth. Its as simple, and equally distressing as that.

However, I also asked for this. Over and over again, I have prayed that nothing on this earth would satisfy or distract me from Him. Reading through my 3 journals that I have gradually filled throughout the years, all my prayers revolve around the same idea- “God, let me be satisfied by you only”. An example of one of my journal entries goes as follows:

You have called me into eternal friendship.

God, I want to worship you in a way that makes the angels stop. I want to worship you in a way that makes the earth shake. I want to worship you in a way that glories your name, that invokes your holy fear and your merciful love equally the same.

God, I will not thank you for your blessings. I will not thank you for the things that you give to me. I will not thank you for the happy, easy, carefree days. For I do not want an easy life. Nor do I want the junk from your hands. Because I want you. I want to hold your hands and not the things inside of them. I don’t want your stuff, blessings, or honor. I don’t care about heaven or my home here. All I want, and all that I desire- is you. All the things of this earth distracts me from my goals. They numb my aching heart in such a way that they make me forget what the solution is- You.

Sober my mind. Awake my soul. Do not let me be intoxicated, numbed or enthralled by this earth. For in every corner and in every object, there is a demand for my attention. They all try to distract and cloud my judgement. Like walking through a dense, thick forest, I am clawed and grabbed at on all sides. But I will keep my eyes and attention on you . I will fight the good fight of faith.

As you can see. God answered my prayers. God wrote my heart in a certain way that causes me to be moved by him only. I can try with all my might to be like this world. To BE liked BY this world. Or to find joy from it. But I will only experience frustration. Me and the world do not speak the same language. Me and the world are not friends. We are oil and water…

While spending time with God after the vision, He also directed me to read Deuteronomy 4:28-29 which reads:

And there you will serve gods of wood and stone, the work of human hands, that neither see, nor hear, nor eat, nor smell. But from there you will seek the LORD your God and you will find him, if you search after him with all your heart and with all your soul.

The golden boxes in the field represented lame idols. All false riches. Even though it was crafted and designed for me- it could not satisfy. God was showing me that In the place of frustration and emptiness, I will seek and find him. This is his promise to me- joy amidst the suffering. My job only, is to trust him. To seek him. In my place of trust, he will let himself be found.

I fear I have already written too much and have respectfully bore you. If you have had the unfortunate opportunity to hear me speak/preach, you would know that I am awful at my conclusions, for they typically come to an abrupt halt. Keeping to that tradition, I am going to end it here.

I trust you will be able to chew what meat you could out of this and spit out the bones for which you found to be irrelevant to you.

Ill leave you with one last note.. Be careful what you wish for, for he just might give it to you.

That is all.